We are all at different points in our lives. Some are content with the status quo, while others choose to dig deeper under the surface. As I wrote in my last blog, “Who reads self help books?” I mentioned that individuals that have, or are going through a major life-transition, are often the ones who are searching. The answers may be sought through books, online education, workshops, and/or the guidance of “gurus.” Another prompt may be when one can no longer handle the mounting stress—like when the going gets too tough. The current experience becomes overwhelming, which leaves the individual feeling helpless and in need of an explanation. Often, there is a sense of unfairness at play. This causes one to look for answers.
Some, believe that Self-help is for weak people. What do you think?
Personally, I searched for years acquiring and learning everything I could get my hands on. As a result, I fell into a trap. The more I learned the more so called ‘ideals’ I felt I had to adhere to—my standards became higher. Of course I made my life harder and increasingly complicated. I became more inflexible and was very hard on myself. I couldn’t live up to all the fucking rules that I created! I thought that because I knew better I was higher up on the spiritual ladder. What a rude awakening! I tried to justify my sense of entitlement by pleading to God that my daily (hour long) meditations, my seven years of vegetarianism and abstinence of wrong action qualified me to be spiritually evolved. Where were my special keys to get into paradise? What a crock of shit! I was a hypocrite.
As time passed my delusion increased, and so did my despair. I found new ways of beating myself up and feeling rejected: as a child no one understood my empathy, family, friends and society didn’t get me, and worst of all… all my years of meditating, living and eating right wasn’t enough to coax “God” into taking pity on me. I’m surprised I didn’t flog myself until I bled. It didn’t matter, I found other ways to punish myself. I became angry, lost hope and continued drowning myself in alcohol. My behaviour became destructive, mentally, emotionally and physically. I stopped seeking… I gave up, at least I tried to.
To clarify, this blog isn’t about my desolation, nor what you may think about the title of this entry. “Why I am no longer a spiritual seeker” addresses another perspective. Before I continue, I’ll share a little more backstory to lead into my POV. So there I was, a total mess of a human being, angry, overweight and toxic in every way. My saving grace was my humour and acting skills that convinced others that I was fine. A hat tip to all the women out there who also say, “I’m fine.”
When I say that I’ve stopped seeking, it means just that. How much does one need to seek before they realize that it is endless. Sure, learning and acquiring knowledge is never ending, however there comes a time when action is required. Stop seeking and start Being. I’m starting to live by these words, by getting out of my comfort zone, and progressing against the grain of my early programming. I am no longer seeking, I am mining, digging into the depths of my heart, unearthing the fossils of my past conditioning and beliefs system. Instead of drinking, I’ve become an Alchemist, using the mash of ignorance to distill the truth of my spirit.
I remember when I used to sit on my imaginary throne, silently judging others actions. Now however, I feel and understand other’s struggles… I’ve realized that we all do our best with what we know at the time. If we knew better, we would have acted more consciously. This is why I don’t believe in beating yourself up, or any one else.
I have realized that the more I learn and expand in awareness, the less I know—the less I judge, and the more I let be. The more authentic I allow myself to be, the more accepting I become to myself and to others. I’m learning to make the space so that an experience can naturally unfold, instead of me projecting a desired outcome to happen—then getting pissed off when it doesn’t happen the way I expected it to. I’ve also stopped using the results of those experiences to define who I am, or was. You may be asking what does making space mean. Simply, it is making room for something to happen and allowing it occur without any interference. This means no emotional attachment or mental judgment of any kind. Patience without expectation.
There is a danger in becoming too familiar with an experience or a belief. Initially, our first encounter with anything is intense, the newness of it stimulates our senses. After some time the same encounter loses its initial punch and the novelty wears off. The concern is that we stop seeing the richness and beauty in things. The first kiss, the first crush, the first anything actually, leaves a lasting and heightened imprint. Then, after we’ve been there done that… we stop seeing it… and feeling it. We become jaded, numb to the experience… we then SEEK another experience to give us that rush or the feeling of newness again. The problem is not that the experience has become predictable and stale, it is however that we fail to re-enjoy the initial one. Many relationships suffer at the hands of this. We may fall into a rut, or become bored and/or depressed.
What if… we can pass through a similar experience over and over again with fresh eyes, an open mind and heart? There can never be an occurrence that is exactly the same, similar yes, but never identical. Life never replicates itself—it is us who homogenize it with our interpretation, labels, opinions and judgements. We stop being present because we are continually seeking! Most of us think that the next moment contains the fulfilment we desire. We seem to be trying to get from a here moment to a there place in time. There is no such thing as a there, because wherever you go, you are always where you are (in a here state—in the now) What are you truly seeking anyway? Pleasure, fulfilment, or the feeling that we think the experience will arouse? What if this very moment actually contains everything that we have ever desired?
Seeking is another distraction…
I understand that we need to explore life and enjoy it however, what I am inviting you to do is to observe an occurrence by witnessing it, by letting it expand and unfold… to feel it fully. Seeking is an outward pursuit that the mind favours … feeling and integrating is what we truly desire from our heart… from our Soul.
I am not a spiritual seeker
Frank Di Genova © 2017
